Schindler's Lesser Know List

Well, well looky here, Big Ben writing on this blog. Memoirs of an Oversized Canadian has been in a coma for a while and I, as the closest relative have refused to pull the plug. I see the chest slowly move up and down and think maybe my blog will come back to life, be the blog it used to be. I know I'm kidding myself, God has a plan for this blog, He will tell me when it is time for it to go.

Okay that is all bullshit, I'm just too lazy, too busy and don't have anything left to say, and if there is a God and he reads this blog, he should leave a comment.
I'm a mind numbing corporate sell out these days, who has not nightmares, but pleasant dreams about work. I think about mortgages, RESPs, retirement planning, living green, being a better person - all kinds of weird shit.
Most of the time I spend at home on the internet I'm doing work research (true), perusing baseball related websites (no surprise), and looking at shoes online (also true - www.largefeet.com).

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I have had a lot of topics running through my head over the last few months, none really struck me as worthy of a blog post:

1) My mom turned 60 and had a party, I was a little surprised that a couple of her friends were borderline GILFs.

2) When during a pregnancy is the baby a human, six weeks, 3 months, 7 months, when the spermy busts into the egg? Would the baby actually need to come out of the vagina to qualify for a spot in heaven (what if it dies when a baby dies when it is only half way out)? If anti-abortionists think abortion is killing a baby, they must think babies are human while still in the womb. My question is, if that is true, do fetuses go to heaven, and if they do, do they grow up, or do they stay fetuses? I don't want to go up to heaven and find a pile of fetuses in the corner. If they do grow up, who takes care of these kids? It can't totally be heaven if some people have to raise kids, kids can be annoying as hell. If you believe in heaven, you certainly have a lot to think about.

3) I was chatting with an American friend of mine who is not happy with universal health care. He says "get a job" that provides health care, why should he have to pay for lazy people to get coverage. Trusted I don't know exactly how this system is going to work, but I find it funny that so many Americans can't think of anyone other than themselves. I really think that is is rooted in racism, white people don't want to pay for the health care of poor lazy blacks and mexicans, they won't say it, but they certainly think it.

4) Last year, I talked about how disappointed I was when only 4 people showed up for my birthday party (3 were my wife's friends). Well despite that turnout, I planned another party this year, so far 23 people have said they would come via our Evite, and not one person has declined. Maybe they read my blog and felt sorry for me? Anyway, that is not the reason for writing this point. I'm writing this point to complain about the guy that talks to other people about a party and asks if they are going, and they don't know if that person was invited. It puts you in this really awkward position. The evite has everyone that is invited on there! I always invite people to things and the same group of folks show up, so eventually you stop inviting those other people, save them from coming up with an excuse, or having to take they time out of their day to respond.

5) Could the Rock be any more of a sell out? The Tooth Fairy? What won't his guy do for a paycheque? Remember when this guy played a tough guy. I may be a sell out, but I need the money, he doesn't.


See ya in another month or so, unless "he" ends my blog!

Twink and You'll Miss it - Part Deux

Well my friend John is still looking for some fun. This time he emailed "Woodstock Guy". I wonder if this guy chose the name woodstock because he is a hippy, or is it a reference to his genitals?

Speaking of his genitals, he entitled his ad on Kijiji "looking for someone to polish my pipe". Subtle buddy.

John sent which I now now see is his signature or canned response/catch phrase/bait:

John: "How old are you? We are two older guys 45 & 50 looking to spice up our relationship, interested?"

Woodstock Guy: "i am 27... not sure if i am up for it..."

John: "That`s ok, if you decide to give us a try, email me anytime. You won`t have to to do anything but lay back and enjoy or you can give as well, up to you.
Thanks for emailing back, not many guys do."

Woodstock Guy: "if it is all the same i would def not be interested in giving..."


Interesting, that this Hippy Homo is a selfish lover. His Kijiji ad should have been "I want someone to blow me and get the fuck out".

Email correspondence 2.

John later replied to: "Hott average dude". John commented to the Hott Average Dude: "hey man, you`re not just average, great body. If you`re interested, so are we!!!"

Not as good as the previous, but the Hott Average Dude's handle was "G unit", come on, seriously, why not choose the 'Funky Bunch' or 'Sean John', weak.

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I think my blog from now on will be changed to "Horny John's Internet Adventures" Follow the erotic messages of this middle aged gay man and his anteater partner as they try to spice up their relationship by offering no strings attached fellatio to young queer men on the world wide web.

I smell book deal.

Twink and You'll Miss it

About three years ago I wrote an email to a guy out east looking for some info on a project I was working on. As I remember he sent back a rather terse response saying that he wasn't going to cooperate with my request. Most of the people I contacted out there were very kind and very open, so it caught me off guard. I thought to myself that this guy was a real dick.

A funny thing happened a week later, I started to get CC'd on a bunch of his emails?! I thought it was kind of interesting at first, but after a month or two I realized that this dude was pretty boring, not even any funny forwards, or anything as tame as "my coworker is being annoying". After a while I just started to delete the emails without opening them. Why I didn't email him to tell him I was getting his emails and have them stop, I don't know, I guess I was just holding out hope that something really juicy or interesting would land in my inbox. On Monday I got my wish.

This guy (I'll call him John - actually that is his real name) responded to a Kijiji ad: "Twink seeks Older Daddy". I was like, what the fuck, I'm opening this email. Not that I knew what a twink was? I had to google it, it is "Twink or twinkie is a gay slang term describing a young or young-looking gay man (usually white and in his late teens or early twenties) with a slender build, little or no body hair, and no facial hair."

And the email correspondence went like this:

John: There are two of us 45 & 50 that would love to have a younger guy to spice up our relationship, interested?

Twink: any details on yourselves?

John: We are 45 & 50 average build, 5`8", 6.5 uncut and 5`6", 6" cut. We don`t have any pics but would really like to have you come over.

[At this point I was like, holy shit - this John is talking up his winky!]

Twink: well I must admit it sounds nice. I'm a little nervous about it, been straight my whole life and I am attached, so discretion is a must for sure, I wasn't so much looking to be involved with my add posting, as I was really curious about simply touching another penis for the first time...... [It actually gets more graphic after this]

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Hmmm, should I blackmail this guy? Should I forward this email to his sister?

I'll think I'll just keep it as a funny blog post. Who knows who is getting mysteriously CC'd on my emails. I don't need any bad karma.

Neti Potty Training

JLee asked where are you?

I'm still alive, but just barely. I am actually sitting at home right now with a case of Pneumonia! The last month I worked my ass off to get my report done before I moved. During that time I developed a nasty cough. Three weeks later I finally went to the doctor. They told me to take a few days off and take some antibiotics. The doc also recommended that I try a saline nasal solution. I was like "the Neti pot?" She said yes. It didn't work out as well as the people on TV:




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Pics of the new house to come.

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Now that summer and baseball are over, perhaps I'll write more than once a month!

EnDykelopedia Bentanica

I'm happy to see that I've now surpassed 30,000 hits on my blog. Now I think I'll call it quits at 1 million.

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Question of the day:
What would be better, to hear someone nude or to smell someone nude?

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I'm sitting at work waiting for some data to upload so I figured I would write about my weekend. I had the pleasure of attending Tuck-Fu's bachelor party. Tuck-Fu is a good friend, not a long time friend but a good one. There are more ideas festering in this guy's head then there is bacteria festering in Paris Hilton's mouth. You know when some people are deciding to do something and a devil appears on one shoulder and an angel on the other, when this guy is considering something a dope smoking dolphin appears on one shoulder and the other a dancing Stephen Hawkins with a sombrero on.

For some reason I just assume that every guy would want me at their bachelor party - similiar to how you would want a tour guide if you were hiking through the Jungle. I think I know my way around a strip club, I guess you could call me a Cuntoisseur if you will, or perhaps a atitionado - I'm definitely Skintelligent. What a podiatrist is to a family practinior, I am that to a Sexpert. I am the opposite of a Menthusiast. I have so much fun at the strip club, they say I put the Kid in naked. Needless to say I was the first to RSVP for Tuck-Fu's night of debauchery.

The day started out with a little brunch (yes brunch), then we hit the Jays game (which they won on a walk-off homer in the 10th) and then off to Hooters (where else for dinner during a bachelor party). We made Tuck-Fu wear some silly god Pajamas (not my idea) and a pink Cowboy hat. Here he is with some other dude (I guess this guy was getting married too?):



[Taken from my blackberry - yes my blackberry, I'm that important now]

Luckily we didn't get the equal opportunity Hooter's girl as our waitress (that non-hot one - I always wonder why they even apply, who wants to work with a group of people that are all better looking that you). Our waitress lived up to the Hooters name and managed to rub her boobies on each of my shoulders while pouring drinks.

I took a lot of shots and ate a lot of greasy food, I felt bad for my toilet.

Our next stop, of course, was the strip club!

I immediately spotted the stripper that I wanted the bachelor to get his dance from, she was a bimbo on steriods. She let us know she had appeared in porn. Her boobs were fake and as big as her head, and likely twice the size of her brain.

Tuck-Fu came back with a grin so big I thought he was trying to bite his earlobes. After about an hour we were getting ready to head to another strip club, I had managed to get a couple (non-stripper) girls into our limo. I got the one girl to give Tuck-Fu a kiss on the cheek yet he was backing away from her like some kind of asexual germaphobe coming face to face with a Swine Floozy. One of the single guys in our limo made out with one of the girls - this chick was a skank, I bet her tramp stamp would actually say "Tramp Stamp" in cursive letters. I think she had a tattoo of a Butterfly, not strange you say, well this butterfly had some cum dripping off its chin.



About 10 minutes in to the next strip club we attended, one of our fellow bachelor partiers had been ejected for being too drunk. I was almost ejected for being too happy.

We ended the night at a bar and I was feeling pretty good - come to think of it, I am pretty surprised I was still standing having had close to 20 drinks by that time. I told some girl that she should try to hook up with the Justin Trudeau look-alike, that he was a grown up Jonas Brother. We left soon after, but she probably sucked him off.

I made it home without yaking, the room didn't spin when I went to bed and I had no hangover - that was a good night.

She Needs a Latex Corset!

Well this blog remains on life support, but now that softball is over I might take a crack at writing again. Or perhaps I'll string this thing along, like its a borderline attractive chick that still puts out, even though you haven't called in weeks.

My TV appearance was delayed, I was supposed to be on yesterday afternoon, but they are moving the show to prime time!

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Last week I checked out a flick at the Toronto International Film Festival, it was a german film starting "the German Brad Pitt". Funny thing is, that he is actually in the last Brad Pitt movie (that bastard one). It was actually really good and you don't even notice after a while that you are reading the subtitles.

I didn't want to see a movie with subtitles because I want to watch a movie or read a book, but not both - but it worked. The German star was there, as well as the lead female, the director and the person that the story was based on (who is actually a Canadian).

I didn't make it out to any other films at the festival but there were a lot of stars in town, including Megan Fox. That can't be her real name can it? That is like a male actor having the name Pierre Stud or Evan Hunk.

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We went out with a couple of friends for drinks after the show and discussed the typical stupidness that we discuss. I brought up a topic that is interesting to me, Robots. I am curious what will happen when robots roam the earth with humans, and if my wife will get mad if a fuck a robot?

Our friend Erin said her son better not bring home a robot! I guess we will never stop finding people or things to discriminate against. Prop 85 will be if Robots and humans can get married. Fuck, I think we have an interesting world to look forward too.

You think it won't happen, well you might just get forcibly ass fucked by a robot, yeah you just might.

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I went out for some drinks on Friday with some friends and one of the females there had never been to a female strip club, somehow I convinced her to go. It was all going well, with a bevy of attractive women strutting their stuff and then this "chick"* got up on stage to tip.

At this club you lay down on the stage with the cash in your mouth and the stripper will get on top of you and grind you a bit, and if you are lucky, she will slap her titties on your face.

So this "chick" is getting grinded by the stripper, and she takes this girl's top off. This "chick" stand up and shows what I call her "shreddies tits", they were like half-shreddies, little triangles, very gross - it looked like someone had punched her nipples or perhaps an elephant had stepped on them. By this time her jeans were off and she had on her droopy drawers. Her undies drooped down at the back and it looked as if there might be a little log in there weighing them down. Her stomach was very saggy, as if she had been pregnant with a basketball that had just been popped - it was like her midsection had a foreskin. Now the DJ is encouraging the girl to take off these saggy granny panties and I was shouting no! Now when they came off, it was worse than I expected. She was very hairy and the skin drooped down, you couldn't see any lips, it was coved by these brown drapes. I have seen some fat disgusting women naked at strip clubs before, but this was the worst female body I have ever seen live in my life.

The worst part is that guys got up on stage to tip! So the stripper grinded them and so did Shreddie tits. When she leaned over them, her skin sagged down and it looked like udders - however, I would rather have a cow's udders on me that her forestomach, instead of calling a plastic surgeon, she needs to call a mohel. It was so disgusting that I kept looking. Pussy drapes looked drunk, and if I had to guess, I would say without drugs or alcohol she was probably, at the very least 25% retarded.

I'm going to a bachelor party this weekend so I better not see any udders on Saturday!


* Quotations on purpose

Where are they Now?

Does anyone else love to watch these 'where are they now' shows? I love them.

I thought I needed to write such an article about myself. Yes, I'm still alive. I don't know why I can't really bring myself to Blog lately. Softball season is almost over, the Jays season is almost over and the summer is almost done, so maybe I'll make my way back to blogging (or perhaps I will continue to waste my time watching Big Brother). Come to think of it most of my posts over the past three months have all started this way.

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I'll have to write abbreviated versions of the things I wanted to talk about over the past two weeks.

I'm appearing on TV September 23 with one of my favourite HGTV stars - should be fun. I know someone is going to ask me what channel and what personality, but I'm not going to tell you, so don't bother. I don't need a connection between this blog and any of my colleagues, they don't need to know about my theory that the Bible's Noah was into bestiality, or my goal of opening a used sex toys store.

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I got an Evite to Slopmaster's welcome home party, but I don't think I will be able to make it. I wish I had the kind of cash where I could just fly to Dallas for the weekend and not think twice - hmmm, maybe I'll put some of those google links on my page and make the big bucks.

Hopefully now that Slop is back in America his blog will improve, I'm getting pretty tired of the half made-up, over the top misogynist stories/theories and the dumb female commenters who give him what he wants and calls him names. I sure the next week will include stories of him moving back home and trying to spank it without Slopmaster Sr. hearing in the next room.

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For the first time in several years I stayed in a "smoking room" at a hotel, it was disgusting. Why would a smoking room not have a window that opens? I think I might have got lung cancer from that one night sleeping in there. Smokers are stupid - hey lets spend a boatload of cash on a product that shortens your life, makes your teeth and fingers turn yellow, makes you stink, annoys normal people, pollutes the environment, and eventually makes your face look like a catcher's mitt. Yes, I have a nice speaking voice but I'd rather sound like Yoda with a chest cold. If you're really, really lucky you can get a tracheotomy, speak with a voice box and sound like a 1980's computer.

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American's love free shit. They line up for 2 hours for a free pizza during these publicity stunt give-aways that companies have. Yet you offer them free health care, that costs thousands of dollars a year, and they don't want it, and they will call you a socialist or a communist when most of them couldn't come up with a definition of either. Hey is it a perfect system? No, but it is better than people losing their houses and bankrupting themselves because they can't afford their medicine - yeah, I had to sell my car to pay for my wife giving birth. I don't want to paint all Americans with a broad stroke, as I have many American friends, but seriously can you think of someone other than yourself? If not, perhaps you should take an economics course, just because your work is giving you benefits doesn't mean you are not paying for it.

If most of the world is doing it one way and you are not, perhaps you should realize what might be a better system*.

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30,000 hits on Memories of an Oversized Canadian - Thank you to all the morons that actually take the time out of their day to read this drivel.


*Ever heard of the metric system, base 10, pretty good idea - almost all of the other countries have adopted it. The US is like that old man who refuses to get rid of his rotary phone.