Neti Potty Training

JLee asked where are you?

I'm still alive, but just barely. I am actually sitting at home right now with a case of Pneumonia! The last month I worked my ass off to get my report done before I moved. During that time I developed a nasty cough. Three weeks later I finally went to the doctor. They told me to take a few days off and take some antibiotics. The doc also recommended that I try a saline nasal solution. I was like "the Neti pot?" She said yes. It didn't work out as well as the people on TV:




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Pics of the new house to come.

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Now that summer and baseball are over, perhaps I'll write more than once a month!

EnDykelopedia Bentanica

I'm happy to see that I've now surpassed 30,000 hits on my blog. Now I think I'll call it quits at 1 million.

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Question of the day:
What would be better, to hear someone nude or to smell someone nude?

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I'm sitting at work waiting for some data to upload so I figured I would write about my weekend. I had the pleasure of attending Tuck-Fu's bachelor party. Tuck-Fu is a good friend, not a long time friend but a good one. There are more ideas festering in this guy's head then there is bacteria festering in Paris Hilton's mouth. You know when some people are deciding to do something and a devil appears on one shoulder and an angel on the other, when this guy is considering something a dope smoking dolphin appears on one shoulder and the other a dancing Stephen Hawkins with a sombrero on.

For some reason I just assume that every guy would want me at their bachelor party - similiar to how you would want a tour guide if you were hiking through the Jungle. I think I know my way around a strip club, I guess you could call me a Cuntoisseur if you will, or perhaps a atitionado - I'm definitely Skintelligent. What a podiatrist is to a family practinior, I am that to a Sexpert. I am the opposite of a Menthusiast. I have so much fun at the strip club, they say I put the Kid in naked. Needless to say I was the first to RSVP for Tuck-Fu's night of debauchery.

The day started out with a little brunch (yes brunch), then we hit the Jays game (which they won on a walk-off homer in the 10th) and then off to Hooters (where else for dinner during a bachelor party). We made Tuck-Fu wear some silly god Pajamas (not my idea) and a pink Cowboy hat. Here he is with some other dude (I guess this guy was getting married too?):



[Taken from my blackberry - yes my blackberry, I'm that important now]

Luckily we didn't get the equal opportunity Hooter's girl as our waitress (that non-hot one - I always wonder why they even apply, who wants to work with a group of people that are all better looking that you). Our waitress lived up to the Hooters name and managed to rub her boobies on each of my shoulders while pouring drinks.

I took a lot of shots and ate a lot of greasy food, I felt bad for my toilet.

Our next stop, of course, was the strip club!

I immediately spotted the stripper that I wanted the bachelor to get his dance from, she was a bimbo on steriods. She let us know she had appeared in porn. Her boobs were fake and as big as her head, and likely twice the size of her brain.

Tuck-Fu came back with a grin so big I thought he was trying to bite his earlobes. After about an hour we were getting ready to head to another strip club, I had managed to get a couple (non-stripper) girls into our limo. I got the one girl to give Tuck-Fu a kiss on the cheek yet he was backing away from her like some kind of asexual germaphobe coming face to face with a Swine Floozy. One of the single guys in our limo made out with one of the girls - this chick was a skank, I bet her tramp stamp would actually say "Tramp Stamp" in cursive letters. I think she had a tattoo of a Butterfly, not strange you say, well this butterfly had some cum dripping off its chin.



About 10 minutes in to the next strip club we attended, one of our fellow bachelor partiers had been ejected for being too drunk. I was almost ejected for being too happy.

We ended the night at a bar and I was feeling pretty good - come to think of it, I am pretty surprised I was still standing having had close to 20 drinks by that time. I told some girl that she should try to hook up with the Justin Trudeau look-alike, that he was a grown up Jonas Brother. We left soon after, but she probably sucked him off.

I made it home without yaking, the room didn't spin when I went to bed and I had no hangover - that was a good night.

She Needs a Latex Corset!

Well this blog remains on life support, but now that softball is over I might take a crack at writing again. Or perhaps I'll string this thing along, like its a borderline attractive chick that still puts out, even though you haven't called in weeks.

My TV appearance was delayed, I was supposed to be on yesterday afternoon, but they are moving the show to prime time!

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Last week I checked out a flick at the Toronto International Film Festival, it was a german film starting "the German Brad Pitt". Funny thing is, that he is actually in the last Brad Pitt movie (that bastard one). It was actually really good and you don't even notice after a while that you are reading the subtitles.

I didn't want to see a movie with subtitles because I want to watch a movie or read a book, but not both - but it worked. The German star was there, as well as the lead female, the director and the person that the story was based on (who is actually a Canadian).

I didn't make it out to any other films at the festival but there were a lot of stars in town, including Megan Fox. That can't be her real name can it? That is like a male actor having the name Pierre Stud or Evan Hunk.

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We went out with a couple of friends for drinks after the show and discussed the typical stupidness that we discuss. I brought up a topic that is interesting to me, Robots. I am curious what will happen when robots roam the earth with humans, and if my wife will get mad if a fuck a robot?

Our friend Erin said her son better not bring home a robot! I guess we will never stop finding people or things to discriminate against. Prop 85 will be if Robots and humans can get married. Fuck, I think we have an interesting world to look forward too.

You think it won't happen, well you might just get forcibly ass fucked by a robot, yeah you just might.

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I went out for some drinks on Friday with some friends and one of the females there had never been to a female strip club, somehow I convinced her to go. It was all going well, with a bevy of attractive women strutting their stuff and then this "chick"* got up on stage to tip.

At this club you lay down on the stage with the cash in your mouth and the stripper will get on top of you and grind you a bit, and if you are lucky, she will slap her titties on your face.

So this "chick" is getting grinded by the stripper, and she takes this girl's top off. This "chick" stand up and shows what I call her "shreddies tits", they were like half-shreddies, little triangles, very gross - it looked like someone had punched her nipples or perhaps an elephant had stepped on them. By this time her jeans were off and she had on her droopy drawers. Her undies drooped down at the back and it looked as if there might be a little log in there weighing them down. Her stomach was very saggy, as if she had been pregnant with a basketball that had just been popped - it was like her midsection had a foreskin. Now the DJ is encouraging the girl to take off these saggy granny panties and I was shouting no! Now when they came off, it was worse than I expected. She was very hairy and the skin drooped down, you couldn't see any lips, it was coved by these brown drapes. I have seen some fat disgusting women naked at strip clubs before, but this was the worst female body I have ever seen live in my life.

The worst part is that guys got up on stage to tip! So the stripper grinded them and so did Shreddie tits. When she leaned over them, her skin sagged down and it looked like udders - however, I would rather have a cow's udders on me that her forestomach, instead of calling a plastic surgeon, she needs to call a mohel. It was so disgusting that I kept looking. Pussy drapes looked drunk, and if I had to guess, I would say without drugs or alcohol she was probably, at the very least 25% retarded.

I'm going to a bachelor party this weekend so I better not see any udders on Saturday!


* Quotations on purpose

Where are they Now?

Does anyone else love to watch these 'where are they now' shows? I love them.

I thought I needed to write such an article about myself. Yes, I'm still alive. I don't know why I can't really bring myself to Blog lately. Softball season is almost over, the Jays season is almost over and the summer is almost done, so maybe I'll make my way back to blogging (or perhaps I will continue to waste my time watching Big Brother). Come to think of it most of my posts over the past three months have all started this way.

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I'll have to write abbreviated versions of the things I wanted to talk about over the past two weeks.

I'm appearing on TV September 23 with one of my favourite HGTV stars - should be fun. I know someone is going to ask me what channel and what personality, but I'm not going to tell you, so don't bother. I don't need a connection between this blog and any of my colleagues, they don't need to know about my theory that the Bible's Noah was into bestiality, or my goal of opening a used sex toys store.

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I got an Evite to Slopmaster's welcome home party, but I don't think I will be able to make it. I wish I had the kind of cash where I could just fly to Dallas for the weekend and not think twice - hmmm, maybe I'll put some of those google links on my page and make the big bucks.

Hopefully now that Slop is back in America his blog will improve, I'm getting pretty tired of the half made-up, over the top misogynist stories/theories and the dumb female commenters who give him what he wants and calls him names. I sure the next week will include stories of him moving back home and trying to spank it without Slopmaster Sr. hearing in the next room.

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For the first time in several years I stayed in a "smoking room" at a hotel, it was disgusting. Why would a smoking room not have a window that opens? I think I might have got lung cancer from that one night sleeping in there. Smokers are stupid - hey lets spend a boatload of cash on a product that shortens your life, makes your teeth and fingers turn yellow, makes you stink, annoys normal people, pollutes the environment, and eventually makes your face look like a catcher's mitt. Yes, I have a nice speaking voice but I'd rather sound like Yoda with a chest cold. If you're really, really lucky you can get a tracheotomy, speak with a voice box and sound like a 1980's computer.

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American's love free shit. They line up for 2 hours for a free pizza during these publicity stunt give-aways that companies have. Yet you offer them free health care, that costs thousands of dollars a year, and they don't want it, and they will call you a socialist or a communist when most of them couldn't come up with a definition of either. Hey is it a perfect system? No, but it is better than people losing their houses and bankrupting themselves because they can't afford their medicine - yeah, I had to sell my car to pay for my wife giving birth. I don't want to paint all Americans with a broad stroke, as I have many American friends, but seriously can you think of someone other than yourself? If not, perhaps you should take an economics course, just because your work is giving you benefits doesn't mean you are not paying for it.

If most of the world is doing it one way and you are not, perhaps you should realize what might be a better system*.

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30,000 hits on Memories of an Oversized Canadian - Thank you to all the morons that actually take the time out of their day to read this drivel.


*Ever heard of the metric system, base 10, pretty good idea - almost all of the other countries have adopted it. The US is like that old man who refuses to get rid of his rotary phone.

Tete-a-Tete

Where did my summer go?

Well my condo is 99% sold. If this deal falls through I'm going to go ape shit on someone's head!

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This tree almost hit my car, but it crushed this red car. I went over and laughed, the person whose car it was, was standing these. I said "sorry", she said "sure" with a lot of attitude. I'm sure that ho didn't have insurance.

(I haven't called someone a ho in a while, it felt good).

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I bought a new bat for softball and have been using it for the last 3 weeks. Some person on the other team complains that it is illegal. I didn't know, the lady at the store said it was one of their best sellers?

Next thing you know there is almost a fight between the teams - this is adult co-ed softball, C division.

Some people take things way to seriously.

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Well I have to admit not a lot of funny stuff has been happening in my life lately. I guess when you're the VP you have to be a bit more serious. I still shoot elastic bands at people in the office, but that is not a funny anymore. I think I'm just going to throw a banana at someone. If they ask why I threw it at them, I'll say that I thought it was a boomerang.

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You know what I haven't done in a while, write a poem.


Jabbering Juggies

by Ben M.

If Boobs could talk, what would they say?
Would they tell me to go away?

Would they tell me not to squeeze so hard -
and stop drooling like a friggin retard!

Would they tell me to grab the nipple and suck,
Nah, I doubt I'd have that much luck.

You know what, if I had a vote,
They'd tell me to come in an do the motorboat!

I'm sure some tits would have an attitude,
They would talk dirty and be nasty and rude.

I really don't care what they'd say,
Cause I'm gonna touch them anyway.

So if knockers start to speak,
I'll be ready to meet this freak!

He Speaks with a List

List of Things on my Mind

1) I’m currently going back and forth on an offer on my condo, very stressful. Their first offer was over $20,000 lower than our asking price. Not cool.

2) Funny that my readers are trying to figure out what I would be on TV for, like I’m going to say where I work. I talk about blowing a load in a cat’s face on this blog, I don’t think I want my colleagues reading this thing. Would you look at one of your co-worker's the same if you knew they thougth about things like skeeting on a household pet?

3) Some person that came to look at our condo left a pantie liner in our garbage. Nasty. I don’t want people leaving behind things in my home that touched their genitals. [I’m sure Slopmaster would love a pair of soiled panties left in his hut, but not me]

4) I filled up on gas the other day when it was “tornado-like” outside because my empty light came on. The rain was hitting me from the side it was blowing so hard and I got completely soaked. 5 minutes later the rain died down. That made me mad, the second thing that made me mad was that I didn’t even think about going to the full serve pump. Fuck.

5) I wrote an email to one of my employees laying the groundwork for what was excepted in the office, the dress code, internet and telephone privileges, working hours, no online chatting, etc, etc, etc. because this employee of mine is walking all over the line on these items. I presented it sternly and let him know that after three written discretions he would be let go. I figured the scare tactic would be effective. Nope. I said that work should be started before nine – employee strolls in a 8:57. Shirts should be tucked in – employee’s shirt untucked. No chatting online – employee chatting online when I do to their desk. What is up with these slackers? I’m not even going to tell you about the two summer students my company has had over the past two years!

6) I was working late a couple of nights ago and headed into the bathroom to do a number 2. Someone came in, I don’t like trying to squeeze one out when there is another person in the bathroom. Next thing you know I see these tiny feet pull up in front of the stall. There was a pull at the door. For some reason I couldn’t say anything, I was mesmerized by the miniature size of the shoes in front of me. I could hear the movement – clearly a bend down movement. “Sorry” came a little squeaky voice as the little feet scurried away. It was the 4’8”, no English speaking, not sure where you’re from looking custodian. That was scary. I thought he might sneak under the door and say something like “dick dirty? I clean it” or something really creepy like “that’s the only kind of broom stick I wanna use right now” perhaps she would have gone with something really off the board like “You wanna 71? (performing 69 while doing a number 2)”.

I’ll leave on that strange note.

Live or July

What a month, what a month, what a month.

New promotion, selling my condo, buying a new house. So many things going on.


I had two television interviews today! I bombed the first one, so I don't know if they will ask me back - it is pretty strange to answer questions from someone through an earpiece. They changed the order of questions they were going to ask me, so it fucked me up from the start!

The second interview went well, it was a conversation with the host at her little desk. Hopefully the more I do, the better. Being live on TV is a bit scary. My big greasy face on TV is a bit scary too.

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We have a a billion showings at our condo but no bites, we have lowered the price a couple times, but it still might be a bit too high, we still have time, so I am not totally freaked out yet. We did some redesigning and got rid of my GIANT TV, it weighed like 200 pounds and I still have a sore back from moving it, I had to bribe a buddy with beer and pizza to help me.

Our first floor now looks like this:



Here is the "before shot" with the giant distracting TV:



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Our new place is awesome, but I don't want to think of the total cost and the zillions of dollars we will owe to lawyers and agents, and the additional cost to furnish this place.



This tub has room for Big Ben:



That is all for now.

I'm not dead yet!